My anxiety is affecting my relationship.

Q: Dear #AskAmyColor 

I’m feeling disconnected from my husband and it’s causing me anxiety. When I try to talk about my feelings he gets mad and says he doesn’t want to hear it, I'm ‘stressing him out’. I don’t know what to do. It’s affecting our relationship. He won’t talk to a therapist. I feel stuck, what do I do?

A: This makes sense to me. I’m here to help. I’ll explain your anxiety, his stress and why I think you both feel stuck. 

I imagine feeling disconnected is causing a lot of your anxiety. Your husband doesn’t want to hear what’s bothering you because He’s a guy - emotional conversations are out of his comfort zone. Talking stresses him out! He likes solutions. He fixes things. Emotions can’t be fixed. 

When you’re anxiety is up and you need to talk. He does not know what to do. He can’t hear you because anxiety is triggering his stress response. He’s frozen, like a dear in the head lights, he fights, or runs. The two of you are stuck in an anxiety stress feedback loop.

This is why you both feel stuck and it’s causing more disconnection. Does this make sense?  Mm-hmm. 

There are different types of anxiety. Separation anxiety is the fear of being separated from loved ones. They say the root of anxieties come from childhood. Whether or not you felt alone as a child does not seem to matter. From my POV I see the fear of losing a loved one is the root of all fears; fear of intimacy, rejection, death.  And even public speaking. 

Think about it… what if I forget my words and make a fool of myself out there and they reject and laugh at me. Believe me I understand. Your vibe speaks louder than you do. People can feel you before they can hear you. Have you seen my TEDx - they did laugh - but in the best way.  

Back to you. Anxiety means you are out of your comfort zone. It feels like it’s coming from the thoughts spinning in your head. But you can’t ‘think your way to calm’. So you try to talk about it. “If only he would listen.”

But When you are emotional he can’t hear you. You can’t talk your way to connection. You’re on your last nerve. Anxiety is a nervous disorder, meaning it comes from not having order in your nervous system.

The Huddle sends the vibrational OK signal “Mm-hmm” through your body and energy field. By Huddling you are regulating your breathing, heart beat and brain waves in a few breaths. The cohesive vibrations cue and wire your brain and nervous system.  Mmhmm means ok. You are accepting yourself - you are ok - in any mood.  

When you Huddle there is no talking. E-motion means energy in motion. Once you Huddle emotions get flowing you feel unstuck. Do it together and you are un-stucking together. Knowing that you both aren’t talking, Helps you feel safe and. Builds trust. 

There’s a lot of research proving that humming helps with anxiety. I go into more about how Huddling matches the heartbeat and helps you feel connected in my book The Huddle. You can find a link in the description.

I invite you to Huddle with me. I’ll do it with the H.O.W. intentions. As I would do if I were with you and you were anxious. You do you. However you do it is ok. These things take practice. Mm-hmm.

Palm on chest. I’m Here, mm-hmm.  I’m OK, mm-hmm. I’m Willing, mm-hmm.

Play with it. There’s no right or wrong. Be ok with whatever comes out. MMHMM! It’s the vibrational sound that counts. Trust me. It works. Can you feel me? Mmhmm. 

Let me know if you found this helpful. Share this video with an anxious friend. Or a friend who has an anxious partner. Tell them Amy suggests they stop talking so much and start Huddling. They will feel more in control in a few breathes Mm-hmm.

See you soon.